When I was young, I remember my stepfather would beat me with hangers. At the every beating he would tell me: "it would hurt me more than hurt you. I only did it because I love you." We just communicated the wrong message, to me about what love is.

So for many years, I thought “ love was suppose to hurt”. And I hurt everyone that I love. I measured love by how much pain someone would take from me.


and it wasn't until I came to prison, in a environment that is devoid of love. That I began to have some sorts of understanding about what it actually was and was not.


小的时候，我的继父总是拿衣架等那类的东西揍我。每次他揍我时，都会说“这每一鞭，都伤我比你更深。让你接受皮肉之苦，是因为我爱你。” 我想，在那时候，我与父亲互相在对“什么是爱”的理解上，交流着错误的信息。

因此在这么多年里，我一直以为，“爱就是去伤害”。于是我伤害每个我爱的人，这是我展现爱的方式。我用一个人能从我身上受到苦痛的多少，来丈量爱的深度。

我一直这样定义爱，从未改变，直到我入了监狱。监狱，一个...这么匮乏爱的地方。

那时候，我才开始对“什么是（真正的）爱” 有了感悟。